SETTING: A ZOOM MEETING IN HELL

A devil sits alone facing a computer screen in his cubicle. 

“Can you hear me?”  [no reply]. 

“Can you hear me now?”  

“Yes, but you should probably mute yourself anyway.” 

“Why?”

“Because nobody wants to hear anything you have to say.” 

“Hello? Can you guys hear me?” 

“Hello?” 

“I really hate Zoom!” 

“Come on, it’s one of our best inventions—really quite brilliant—for we keep everyone hungry for fellowship while frustrating them with completely inept social contacts.  It frustrates them and can even push them to desperation, which always leans in our favor.” 

“Okay, shut up everyone—here comes the Boss.” 

A huge portrait pops onto the screen, reducing all the other devils’ live-feeds to tiny portraits. The Head Devil seems very confident and pleased with himself, almost as if he were in a good mood:

“Listen up, fiends—reports are in and Pan Demic is proving a great success. As we keep people from real-life interactions, they become increasingly emotional over the most trivial and pointless of events. The lockdown has made them irritable and much more willing to rush to extremes of thought and emotion. All it takes is two minutes on Facebook or Twitter, and the most gentle and even-keeled Christian can come to a full boil!” 

“I prefer them boiled,” says one of the devils. The devils snicker.

“I like ‘em broiled!” says another, followed by laughter.

“SHUT IT!” says the Head, “no one cares what you like, got it?” 

All fall immediately silent. The Head continues: 

“Before you start counting your chickens or otherwise begin stampeding off to celebrate a victory for which you played no part, let me be very clear: the plan is still unfolding, so take care to be looking well ahead. We are initiating phase VI of our Mayhem 2020 strategy. Just as the people of the world are feeling most fed up and irritable about the virus, we kick the American presidential election into full gear. The plan involves the total exacerbation of distrust between the parties. We want them suspicious, vindictive, and  badly-informed about all things. Keep the lefties listening only to lefty news and the righties to righty news—have each accuse the other of lying, cheating, and trying to steal the election through trickery.” 

“What about the moderates?” asks a devil. 

“Vilify them from both sides! The lefties condemn them as silently complicit with the right and the right condemns them as spineless sell-outs.  Don’t you see? The simple goal here is to make everybody hate everyone else.” 

“But what about those of their own group?” asks another.

“Yes, it would appear that they would be simpatico and enjoy something like team spirit, but we can undermine that through purity programming.” 

“What?  What’s purity programming?” asks another.

[Angry Head Devil]: “Well, if you’d keep your infernal mouth shut, I was just about to tell you.” [Now returning to his pedantic composure]: “Purity programming means each suspects the next of true intentions—of being in fact a true believer—such that each constantly keeps score of his or her neighbor’s thoughts, opinions, and behaviors.  The lefty among lefties is never quite lefty enough, the righty among righties never righty enough, and the moderate—with any movement at all—is seen to be moving to extremes.” 

“Excuse me, but don’t we want them on the extremes?” asks  a devil. 

“Good question! Yes, because at the extremes we can fill them with self-righteous passions that will make them easy to prompt into violence, vandalism, and even murder, should we get lucky.  But even so, those in the insipid middle ground can succumb to fear and idleness—both of which are useful to us.” 

“Sir, are there special dangers we should beware of?” 

“Yes. The greatest danger to our Mayhem 2020 project is conscience—that horrid little mechanism by which the creatures can awaken to their own folly and see in themselves their own ridiculousness. When that happens, we lose, because something like repentance can arise. Worse, they can see their enemies in a new light—as being not much different than themselves—and then things like sympathy, generosity, and kindness can get a foothold. Be on special alert against humor—we want you waging diligent campaigns against humor—because once serious people can be made to laugh at themselves, they are likely, again, to see their own ridiculousness. To be sure, they are ridiculous, we see it clearly and that’s one of the many reasons why we hate them, but that’s no reason for them to see it in themselves. We don’t want them having anything like a true perspective.” 

“Can we stick with all the old stuff as well?”

“Meaning—?”

“Pride, lust, envy, apathy, and that whole lot?” 

“By all means, yes—these are your basic tools—do not neglect them!” 

“Sir, what about after the election?” asks another devil. 

The Head Devil grins widely, showing white teeth, some with sharp points:

“Well, if we play our cards right—and we must!—then everything can get worse. We want civil war, but we’ll settle for mass riots, looting, pillaging, shootings—and all those things which keep people in the state of mind we want them in. Hatred and hostility are the names of the cages in which we will trap them. Be mindful, they can turn on you—if they repent they can escape and you’ll never see them again—but if we do our work well, and see to a constant campaign of self-righteous, self-serving rage, then we can keep them in those cages forever!” 

A beaming young devil speaks: “Sir, you inspire me!” 

The Head Devil rolls his eyes: “Ugh—you disgust me, you little twerp! That’s it—meeting over for everyone, thanks to little Dingus McTwerpy there.” 

Screen faces blink out and the few remaining squares get larger as devils sign off Zoom. The last voice heard is muttering to itself:  “It’s not letting me sign off! Stupid Dell!”