AnderspeaK
PROJECT UPLAND (from Hell)
SETTING: A CONFERENCE ROOM IN HELL
Staging: A large, stone table with legs that look like stalactites. A variety of devils sit in conference chairs around the table. Starbucks cups.
Enter: Tall, well-dressed Arch Devil (he has an enormous head). As he moves to the head of the table, the other devils all snap to attention.
HD (Head Devil)[as he sits]: “Important meeting today—we better open with a word of prayer.” [Devils bow heads for a brief but very awkward silence] “I’m kidding, of course.” Forced laughter all around. “So what have we got today? [looks at his agenda] Oh, no! Not Upland!” The devils shift in their seats and a few groan in disgust.
“We need a cunning plan because we’re not getting through to them. For years, we’ve tried every trick in the book and though we’ve had some winning moments, it seems no matter what we try, they remain pretty decent “neighbors” (HD does finger quotes) to each other. They actually seem to enjoy each others’ company. [A younger devil makes a gagging noise].
Devil 1 raises his hand and the HD nods to him: “What if we destroy their economy—that seems to work with their type.”
HD: “In general I would agree, but I suspect these Uplanders might only grow closer through this—helping each other out and all that rot.”
Devil 2: “How about drugs—a fixed campaign of weed, meth, and legitimate prescription painkillers to pin them down? ”
HD: “Too small a slice, I’m afraid—as we’ve seen, that only awakens the sympathy of others—a total fail in the long run.”
Devil 3: “How about we try a number 94?” [Everyone looks around—it’s clear no one knows what a 94 is] “You know. . . screen prison. . . where we lock them down into screen addiction between cable tv and the internet?”
“Not bad,” says the HD, “but we’ve seen that backfire as well. When they get sick of Facebook and Fox News, they’ll just go back out and make those personal connections with others that make them untouchable to us. The old tricks will not work—they are already not working—we need something big, something major, something large scale and all-enveloping. We need a whole new playing field if any of our attacks are to work at all. You’ve got to think bigger, larger scale—we need a whole new paradigm shift!”
Devil 4: “How about an epidemic—a virus so contagious and nasty that the whole population will hide out from one another and we can keep them all apart?”
HD: “Ooh! I like! Say more.”
Devil 4: “If we concoct a credible plague, they’ll have no choice but to stay isolated from one another. This could be a real recipe for total alienation—an then all our other stuff will work like gangbusters.”
HD: “Yes, you’re onto something, but still, you’re not thinking big enough. People in quarantine can always reassure themselves by the knowledge that they are helping to prevent others from catching their infection. It makes their lockdown time meaningful. We need to get under that.”
Devil 5: “What if we infect the whole world with a virus? That way we could put everyone without exception into quarantine and no one would feel purposeful about anything. There would be nobody safe—everyone would be a potential threat.”
HD: “Yes, I’m liking this—keep going.”
Devil 5: “An international pandemic would require every country, state, city, town, and neighborhood to enforce something like universal isolation. They’d have no real human contact outside of their own families.”
HD: “Yeah, but in Upland some of those families actually like each other.”
“Eeew!” say several devils in unison.
Devil 5: “Oh, come on! We have to play our best percentages here!”
HD: “He’s right—we’ll never get everyone—but we can harvest a lot more than usual, and by use of Pan Demic we can weaken other moral immunities by playing on boredom, anxiety, and an onslaught of poor communications. Remember, we already control the media. They’ll be confused, discombobulated, and completely cut off from each other. If all they have is Zoom, email, and Twitter—they might as well be marooned on Mars!” [Joy and laughter around table].
HD: So, it’s settled: Pan Demic is the plan. Give it a month or two and they’ll be at each other’s throats, rioting in the streets, blaming each other for the damage they cause—and this will just continue to drive them apart. What bliss for us!
Devil 3: “But what about the churches? Won’t they work against us?”
[silence in the room—devils all in thinking mode]
HD: “Yeah, it’s crucial that we keep them down. They must be part of the plan, locked down with everyone else. If we can keep them from drawing energy from each other, they’ll soon become discouraged and lose their fighting spirit.”
Devil 4: “Divide and conquer!” [“Yeah!” say a couple of other devils].
HD: “If they pray, we’re sunk, but if we must do our best to play on their lower instincts. Above all, I recommend leaning hard on their natural impatience. If we can access their irritabilities, they’ll forego patience in favor of fast, cheap solutions--this is where we can gain the most ground.”
Devil 7: “Speaking of impatience, just how long is this meeting supposed to last?”
[A deafening boom sounds in the room. There is a flash of fire. When it subsides, there is a black spray of char in the chair where Devil 7 had been sitting].
HD: “Would anyone else care to comment?” †
[To be continued]
HELL CONFERENCE
SETTING: A CONFERENCE ROOM IN HELL
Staging: A large, stone table with legs that look like stalactites. A variety of devils sit in conference chairs around the table. Starbucks cups.
Enter: Tall, well-dressed Arch Devil (he has an enormous head). As he moves to the head of the table, the other devils all snap to attention.
HD (Head Devil)[as he sits]:
“Important meeting today—we better open with a word of prayer.” [Devils bow heads for a brief but very awkward silence] “I’m kidding, of course.” Forced laughter all around. “So what have we got today? [looks at his agenda] Oh, no! Not Upland!” The devils shift in their seats and a few groan in disgust.
“We need a cunning plan because we’re not getting through to them. For years, we’ve tried every trick in the book and though we’ve had some winning moments, it seems no matter what we try, they remain pretty decent “neighbors” (HD does finger quotes) to each other. They actually seem to enjoy each others’ company. [A younger devil makes a big, gagging noise].
Devil 1 raises his hand and the HD nods to him:
“What if we destroy their economy—that seems to work with their type.”
HD: “In general I would agree, but I suspect these Uplanders might only grow closer through this—helping each other out and all that rot.”
Devil 2: “How about drugs—a fixed campaign of weed, meth, and legitimate prescription painkillers to pin them down? ”
HD: “Too small a slice, I’m afraid—as we’ve seen, that only awakens the sympathy of others—a total fail in the long run.”
Devil 3: “How about we try a number 94?” [Everyone looks around—it’s clear no one knows what a 94 is] “You know. . . screen prison. . . where we lock them down into screen addiction between cable tv and the internet?”
“Not bad,” says the HD, “but we’ve seen that backfire as well. When they get sick of Facebook and Fox News, they’ll just go back out and make those personal connections with others that make them untouchable to us. The old tricks will not work—they are already not working—we need something big, something major, something large scale and all-enveloping. We need a whole new playing field if any of our attacks are to work at all. You’ve got to think bigger, larger scale—we need a whole new paradigm shift!”
Devil 4: “How about an epidemic—a virus so contagious and nasty that the whole population will hide out from one another and we can keep them all apart?”
HD: “Ooh! I like! Say more.”
Devil 4: “If we concoct a credible plague, they’ll have no choice but to stay isolated from one another. This could be a real recipe for total alienation—an then all our other stuff will work like gangbusters.”
HD: “Yes, you’re onto something, but still, you’re not thinking big enough. People in quarantine can always reassure themselves by the knowledge that they are helping to prevent others from catching their infection. It makes their lockdown time meaningful. We need to get under that.”
Devil 5: “What if we infect the whole world with a virus? That way we could put everyone without exception into quarantine and no one would feel purposeful about anything. There would be nobody safe—everyone would be a potential threat.”
HD: “Yes, I’m liking this—keep going.”
Devil 5: “An international pandemic would require every country, state, city, town, and neighborhood to enforce something like universal isolation. They’d have no real human contact outside of their own families.”
HD: “Yeah, but in Upland some of those families actually like each other.”
“Eeew!” say several devils in unison.
Devil 5: “Oh, come on! We have to play our best percentages here!”
HD: “He’s right—we’ll never get everyone—but we can harvest a lot more than usual, and by use of Pan Demic we can weaken other moral immunities by playing on boredom, anxiety, and an onslaught of poor communications. Remember, we already control the media. They’ll be confused, discombobulated, and completely cut off from each other. If all they have is Zoom, email, and Twitter—they might as well be marooned on Mars!” [Joy and laughter around table].
HD: So, it’s settled: Pan Demic is the plan. Give it a month or two and they’ll be at each other’s throats, rioting in the streets, blaming each other for the damage they cause—and this will just continue to drive them apart. What bliss for us!
Devil 3: “But what about the churches? Won’t they work against us?”
[silence in the room—devils all in thinking mode]
HD: “Yeah, it’s crucial that we keep them down. They must be part of the plan, locked down with everyone else. If we can keep them from drawing energy from each other, they’ll soon become discouraged and lose their fighting spirit.”
Devil 4: “Divide and conquer!” [“Yeah!” say a couple of other devils].
HD: “If they pray, we’re sunk, but if we must do our best to play on their lower instincts. Above all, I recommend leaning hard on their natural impatience. If we can access their irritabilities, they’ll forego patience in favor of fast, cheap solutions--this is where we can gain the most ground.”
Devil 7: “Speaking of impatience, just how long is this meeting supposed to last?”
[A deafening boom sounds in the room. There is a flash of fire. When it subsides, there is a black spray of char in the chair where Devil 7 had been sitting].
HD: “Would anyone else care to comment?”