“Trimming the Neighbor’s Hedges”
Philippians 2: 1-4
1 So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, 2 complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. 3 Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Good Fences
Nothing quite erodes trust like bad boundaries. I once had a neighbor who was irritated when I took the electric hedge trimmer to the line of hedges running along the property line between us. In my mind, I was being gracious by trimming beyond the legal property line, but I would get this look from him as I swept over the top of that line. He’d walk into his backyard and furl his brows as if to say, “I’m watching you, Pal!” He seemed to think I was presuming territory—or as if I thought I owned his half of the hedges, which I certainly did not.
Similarly, when it came time to shovel snow, I would shovel a bit past the legal property line as a generosity—a courtesy—but when he shoveled his walk, he quit at the legal border. I wouldn’t have been surprised to see him out there with a tape measure or even surveying equipment.
Good boundaries are important for everyone. We develop our sense of self and safety from having good boundaries, and when those boundaries are pushed, challenged, or otherwise violated, we can feel intruded upon—invaded, even—and trust becomes difficult to re-establish.
Also, we can cross the line with others in ways we may not even be aware of. In today’s workplace, if a man compliments a woman’s dress he can be cited for sexual harassment. Again, I thought I was being nice to my neighbor, but he experienced my gracious generosity as a imposition—a betrayal of the lawful lines that defined our mutual spaces.
“Mending Wall,” a poem by Robert Frost, recounts the business of two neighbors repairing the stone wall between their properties each spring where cold, ice, or hunters had created gaps. Frost’s neighbor was fond of saying, “Good fences make good neighbors,” which strikes the ears of an extravert like me as a bit backwards. “No,” I think, “good neighbors need no walls!” but that’s the flaw of all extroverts. The truth is that if we fail to respect other people’s appropriate, personal boundaries, we risk the erosion of trust, and they will build their walls higher and higher.
Good boundaries are absolutely necessary in doing quality evangelism as well. Good boundaries empower good outreach.
You’ve all seen the bad examples, so I won’t belabor them: well-meaning preachers yelling at college students in campus quads; evangelical strangers coming up to you on the street, standing nose to nose and demanding that you answer whether you’ve accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior; televangelists staring down the camera lens professing deep love to people they’ll never met—these are not the biblical vision evangelism—they are self-serving attempts to use people for the gratification of the evangelists themselves.
Koinonia Evangelism
Real evangelism takes place in the midst of real relationships. In community, in fellowship—exactly as we hear throughout Scripture. Let’s look at Paul’s words to the Philippians:
1 So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy,
Paul lays out for us the ground rules on good boundaries: Christian encouragement, consoling love, koinonia fellowship, and empathy. Consider: aren’t these precisely the things we find absent in bad evangelism? We hear positive steps toward building good evangelical boundaries here. Verse 2:
being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind.
Same mind, same heart, same spirit—all thinking one thing. This doesn’t mean that we all agree about everything or that we are expected to achieve something like perfect, mental conformity. “One mind” is perhaps best understood as having a common vision, direction and purpose. We pursue the same, one gospel, and as we do so we seek to major on the majors and minor on the minors.
This saves us from confusing the one agenda of the gospel with one of our own, many, sub-gospels. Verse 3:
3 Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.
We are to do nothing out of rivalry or the spirit of one-upsmanship. We should be quick to reject any agenda growing out of any someone’s self-importance. We are to regularly esteem one another highly, become a true team or group, gelling and cooperating in the spirit of love and humility. This is sealed in verse 4:
4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
These are not just basic character instructions; they are guidelines for good boundaries within the Church. Our evangelism must practice good boundaries. Good boundaries enable good decisions.
Some Bad Boundaries
I want to suggest a few of the more popular kinds of bad boundaries in order that we can grow beyond them. I’ll suggest three.
- 1.Inappropriate Curiosity.
There are things we do not need to know no matter how much we’d like to. We are hardwired to take in new information about our community, and when we know what is going on in the lives of others—good or bad—we feel connected and on the inside of things. Inappropriate curiosity may be the foundation of all gossip. We do not need to know all the details in order to pray for another person. Let’s be satisfied knowing less.
2. Wading into Others’ Pain.
Just because you know someone else is hurting doesn’t give you permission to go barging in and overwhelming the person with all of your desire to help. Someone loses a job, goes through a marriage separation, or has a family member commit suicide: it is not necessarily your place to go charging in with your need to be helpful. More often than not, that is about you, not the one who needs help. Wading into others’ pain does not increase trust; it often destroys it (see Styrofoam Cup Rule below).
3. Spreading Lies and Gossip.
We all know that distortions travel faster than the truth. When people become curriers of dark secrets, they universally give in to exaggerations and enhancements that distort the message. Spreading lies and gossip is a hell unto itself, and churches everywhere struggle to overcome the plague of gossip and inappropriate sharing.
So that’s the dark side, and we all know we must do better.
Toward Good Boundaries
I’d like to suggest merely three ways we can grow good boundaries—ways which grow out of Paul’s word to the Philippians.
- 1.Practice Humility.
Accept that there are some things you do not need to know and will not know. Consider the needs of the other as equal to your own needs. Your need to “make converts” should not overrule the needs of the one you hope to reach.
2. Practice Patience.
Some people take a lifetime to convert. We shouldn’t lose our sense of persistence just because someone is not ready to go into deeper questions. Give it time. Pray.
3. Think: “Giver”
One way we can slice human personality is on the giver/taker axis. We do well to ask ourselves if we are being experienced as someone with something to give or whether we are trying to take something from someone for our benefit.
Plenty of evangelists and caring people will bombard others in their relentless pursuit to succeed at their own evangelistic or helping profession. That is taking although the profession is there to help.
We must genuinely care and be honest about our own neediness in helping others—even before we try to help!
Styrofoam Cup Rule
In many churches I’ve seen something happen that makes me very sad. A person who has undergone personal tragedy—death of a loved one, divorce, etc.—comes back to church after an absence. She is hoping to reintegrate back into the normal life of the church. There on the patio is a group of dear friends chatting and laughing freely—all upbeat and joyous. The moment she steps into their orbit, they go still and their faces all fall long and serious. “Oh honey! We’re so sorry about (fill in the blank)!” She has come back to church only to be reminded of her tragedy and to have the knife inadvertently turned in the wound. What she wanted was that light—that joy and easy laughter—that have been missing from her life.
Ever heard of the Styrofoam Cup Rule? If not, it’s because I made it up. The rule is this: If you are holding a styrofoam cup of coffee (after church, before church, in the fellowship hall, on the patio, or anywhere else at church), you must not initiate. Acknowledge the trial if you must, but briefly and invite that person into your good mood and happy morning.
People need some shallow water for re-entry. Consider: maybe they really just wanted and needed to talk about the latest movies, or baseball, or about anything rather light that makes them feel re-invited into the community!
So: if you have a styrofoam cup in your hand, be cool. Be patient. Be humble. Give it time even as you welcome someone into the joy and shallow water of the morning.
Practicing Tact
Tact is the unspoken, untrained, and absolutely indispensable aspect of evangelism that is sorely missing in too many circles. Our evangelistic efforts to reach the lost and wandering with the light and good news of Jesus Christ is worthy of our very best character.
It’s not enough just to share the good news because we have a need to share it. We need to consider the ears of the hearers. Before we fling a handful of gospel seeds at their feet, we do well to consider the soil and do some painstaking soil preparation.
The best place to start is at home. In those God has given us to love we have our first opportunity to care—gently and for the long term—and for which we can start modeling our evangelical style.
The win is a good crop that endures for the long term, which is our interest: eternity..†